The Good the Bad and the Ugly

So it's been 4 months or so since I have written anything. I have continued to put it off over and over again because truth be told sometimes life is pretty miserable and I didn't want to have all the rubbish that has gone on recorded in our family year book this year. Today after church however one of our friends asked me why I hadn't blogged for so long and I said "nothing much to write about". His response, though he probably thought nothing of it, left me thinking all afternoon. He said its a journal, a history. He was right so along with the good I should also share the bad.

This past year, the last 8 months in particular it feels like our little family has been barely treading water. Every time we manage to take a breath we have something else thrown at us. We have been screwed over by family more times than I can even count this year. Over and over and over again. By people you would have willing run to the end of the world for. Things like this have made me question my own self worth and found me battling depression for several months. It has sent me back to a place I haven't seen in over 10 years and a place I don't ever want to be.

I have missed my Nana more than anyone could understand. There is not a day that goes by that I don't yearn to talk to her and hear her voice. I have struggled with it more this year that I did when she first passed away. I think it was because I knew to her, I was her special little girl and that I was irreplaceable and I was a part of her everything. Grand-Graeme has moved into a rest home a month or so ago and when I rang him on moving day it was closing the door on a book. I hung up the phone knowing that I had rung Nana's number for the last time. I cried for a good hour after.

So while I have struggled to be able to be strong enough to hold everyone else up I myself have come crumbling down. My family has suffered from my neglect of them. I am so blessed to have such a patient and loving husband who is forever forgiving and kind.

Hopefully we are coming out of the fog that we are in and we will have some time to breathe soon. While this doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the past few months it does feel better to get it out.

BUT it's not been all bad. The concrete for our house is being poured this week. We have 90% of our accommodation booked and paid, for our month long adventure next year along with our flights and we are currently well under holiday budget! Our car is going to live to see another day...or year after a really good trip to the car doctor. It seems after 5 years they may have actually fixed the problem. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father has been strengthen and if there was ever a silver lining to a cloud then that has been it. Time and time again I have been shown how aware of me he is.

My favourite 4. In all the grubby, horiness